I'm Sorry Rz..

Lately, for some reason, I have been carrying around a lot of intense emotions that I can't freely share with anyone, because the people I love most just don't understand.

I find myself struggling everyday, just to cling on to positive thoughts, trying to keep the faith. The worst thing is that I am in-between assignments again and I am desperately trying to get my feelings in check so I can get my work done.

I'm failing and falling.

I cried about four times today.

It more or less started at lunch. Perhaps it was doomed from the beginning, but I don't know why I still looked forward to it, despite knowing in my heart what would most likely happen. And it did happen.

Well, I was so stupid to even hope it would go otherwise. Well, I suppose now I know which way is the quickest to lose my self esteem.

I can't give details, because it would be disrespectful. And I really have no intentions to be so.

Maybe some people would say that because I have been accustomed to having lots of attention paid and affection given to me, I am not used to being ignored. And that it is just me being over-sensitive and silly over the whole thing.

But I am not asking for special attention or affection, but the simple concern you would show another human being who is dining at the same table.

Sigh. It is so easy to find reasons to hate ones' self. Feelings of inadequacy, as well as the pressure to graduate and find a job fast completely weighed me down.

I felt so uncomfortable the whole time at lunch. I felt like I totally didn't belong there. It was too much for me to handle and later, I collasped in tears on the bus. Twice.

And then before dinner I felt really bad about everything and so I tried to explain it to Rz, but explaining my feelings only made my tears flow even more :s

Then after dinner this evening I came home to find my dad's gf had once again washed my bedsheets without my permission. What completely irked me is that she has been doing this every Saturday for three weeks!!!

I just lost my temper. I mean what the hell, am I so dirty you have to wash my bedding once a week?!?!?!?!

So I brought it up to dad again. I was so angry I think my voice was barely a whisper, but he heard it. I told him "Is it really necessary to wash my bedsheets every Saturday for 3 weeks?"

His reply was "I'll ask her to stop".

I simply don't know why my father CANNOT answer my questions like a normal person.
Q."Is it necessary?"
A."No, it isn't." or "Yes, it is."

I don't know how many times I've said that I don't mind her doing the housework or cooking etc. I just mind it when it becomes absurd.

Anyway, that is my dad for you. He never NEVER ever understands simple english.

I was feeling so upset from everything that I locked my room door and cried. Again.

...

I feel really bad about making Rz listen to all my crying and outpouring of my heart. But I really don't have anyone else.

I did SMS R a few times over the past week, despite my own problems, but I still haven't even gotten a reply. I guess she's been really busy with her work and stuff.

My aunt is still in her tantrum-throwing phase, so I can't talk to her either.

Dad has never been an option. Not that I'm even considering.

Kris and others are all working and facing them just reminds me that I should be out there working too (or so I think).

I suddenly feel like my world has shrank around me.

Anyway, I know I should stop feeling upset already. I've wasted one good day crying.

Pastor Mark said last week that as long as our focus remains in Jesus, no matter how dire our circumstances, we will be able to keep going. As long as we depend on our own strength, we will continue to fall.

So perhaps it is a good thing that no one (except my faithful Rz) can be here for me now, even though I am so stressed and distressed, then I have no choice but to place my focus and anguish in His everlasting hands.

I shall sleep early tonight.

Sorry to those who have been messaging me the past few days. I really lack the strength to continue putting on a cheerful front and so I shall not try.


- 9 September 2006 11:06pm -